Only · me; · on · my · knees

I had to take a test on Tuesday. I was upset as I had stopped at the Walgreens and picked up an energy drink and then missed the earlier bus. I got to the testing center around 530 and finished the test around 615. I didn’t find it too hard, we will see if I either really understood the information or if I was just blowing smoke.

I grabbed a sandwich at Subway on the way to the car and then finally go on the road. I at least remembered that I couldn’t take the shortcut to the highway. Traffic wasn’t too bad and I tried to stay at the speed limit. I was down to the kennel around 8pm. He was putting together a new workbench that he had recently bought so I did some cleaning and started on dinner for Him.

After He ate dinner I helped him put the last parts of the table together. We were chatting a little and I watched TV during the time he was busy with the table. I was also trying to play with Wolf without him getting too excited.

He made some generic comments about some journal entries I had made over the last week or so. We then talked a little about where He was coming from with his slave and I. I did rather good at not repeating myself, as I knew He had read my journal and I can communicate here easier than I could put myself in words.

I still brought up a few thoughts that I wanted to make sure we addressed and clarified if I was responsible for her emotions. He made sure that I knew that I wasn’t, that it was her duty to take care of herself, but that I was secondary to her and needed to do what she asked. We also discussed what I was supposed to do when she was around and I made sure that she was supposed to tell me if I am doing something that she would prefer me not to.

After the table got put together and stored away, we got to play.

He came out after placing out some toys and asked how rough I wanted this. We had talked over the past week about doing a resistance scene. For me, the idea of a torture/interrogation scene was more about trying to break me mentally by pushing my physical limitations. As psychologically I can break pretty easy as I have fears of being suffocated and drowned.

After he got me into the bedroom he got me handcuffed and then put into his new leather harness that he put together. By the time that my hands had finally started to go numb from the hogtie position, we had reassessed the situation. I found it hard to resist when I am handcuffed and therefore simply wasn’t. I had also begged not to be hooded, which he allowed, but at that point I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to keep resisting or what. :-)

I teased that it wasn’t my fault that he had to win by keeping me handcuffed so He let me out of the cuffs and we got to wrestle and squirm and fight back more. That was much nicer and I think we both really had fun. It was pretty easy for him to pin me, but I managed to get in a few good scratchs and some between the leg grabs that got him off of me. Thankfully, he is a bit of a masochistic sadist so he didn’t mind the pain. Since I have a little sadist in me, it wasn’t too hard to try to hurt him.

When he got me pinned, the breaking point for me was choking. Although I enjoy that when we aren’t fighting, it really tended to push me over the edge if I was already wound up. While we were talking between the play, as we were getting warm and thirsty and took a few breaks, we talked about that and where he wanted to see me go. He wants to try to push me into the fight or flight response. I am not sure how that would effect me, as I had only a glimpse of where that would go during the fight. Even that small glimpse made me feel nauseas and it took several minutes for me to calm my mind and my body to even assess where I was.

He mentioned his taser / stun gun. I had never played with one, though I have heard of people playing with them. I had felt a taster handheld of about 10K on my legs a few years back so was not feeling very scared. I did ask if I could fire the gun when he brought it out and said he wanted to shot me with it. He said No and I thought he was just being un accompanying to my desires. I found out later that the type of gun that he uses only has the one cartridge and it would have to be replaced if I did fire it.

I was sitting on the carpet next to the mattress. I had on my corset and He made sure that I had my hands to my side. I had a little hesitance when He asked me if I was ready and I said No. I had closed my eyes for a moment and then felt the pain. In a second I was thrown back onto the mattress and felt my body on fire from the inside out. There was pain form my chest out and I could feel the sparks flowing through my arms as I was trying to curl them in pain. I don’t know if I screamed or yelled, but I was also aware that I had lost my bladder control.

The pain stopped and I was just breathing, laying on the mattress. I don’t know what was said, perhaps he had asked me how it felt, or what I thought of it. He told me that he was going to do it to me again, as he wanted. I think I mentioned that I had lost my bladder control, making sure that that wasn’t going to make the pain worse. The second shock I ended up rolling off of the bed and do remember screaming near the end and certainly when it was over as I was still in pain.

I mentioned that the one near my corset was burning, I though the pad had gotten stuck to a rivet. He said he knew it had hit the corset but that it shouldn’t be a problem.

He asked me if this was worse than the 60 strokes I was to get. I said it was much worse. He said that he was going to give me another shock, 5 seconds, instead of the 60. I was clear eyed when I acknowledged him and the reason for my discipline. I still screamed and rolled in pain, apparently knocking over a fan in the process. I still wanted to squirm and move when I heard him command me to lay still before he did it again. It was only at that point that I became aware that I had knocked over the fan.

He came over and took the barbs out of my skin. I was still somewhat in shock as I had the idea that this was going to be pads that laid against the skin, like a tens unit. This one actually had ¼ inch spikes that dug into two areas on my chest. One about two inches below my left breast and the other landed on the upper part of my left shoulder/breast area, kind of right where the seat belt lands..

I don’t know how long I was laying still, but I could tell that he was cleaning up the stun gun items and talking about I was not to disappoint him or disrespect his house in the future or else I would feel that in more painful areas. After a few minutes, I asked if I was allowed to move and he said yes but to take it easy incase I had trouble using the muscles.

I like the fact that the pain does not stay long after the shock, but the terror of that pain and helplessness kept me from relaxing into the moment. It was probably 15 minutes after the gun that I was feeling more myself.

Continued elsewhere